THE DARKEST OF DAYS.

FROM THIS




TO THIS




I'm running out of venting outlets...So I guess this will do for now. I always try my best to not be a bitch about certain things, but a bitch is exactly what I'm going to be right now. I can't stand being here now more than ever. I feel like I'm at my worst. A combination of things has made me feel this way. And it's only getting worse with time... Pennsylvania is a hump, or giant mountain more so, that I've tried to get over but can never seem to shake. I've tried to adapt since my arrival but it just doesn't seem to work. The people (not saying that they're bad people), the area, the lifestyle. It's all so different. Each new day spent here confirms that my belief of not belonging is even more valid than it was the previous day.

I fucked up my whole high school career. I banked on fencing to get me into a university. This is something I deeply regret. I could be going to the school of my dreams right now. Somewhere closer to home. But fuck it, I said. Fencing will get me into pretty good schools outside of California... right? Pffffft. My stubborn mentality has left my mom heartbroken. It's something far beyond "Empty Nest." She still hurts and cries daily. Home is where my friends, family, heart, and happiness are. I left it all. And some of those things will never be the same as they were before I departed. Yea, I'm that damn selfish. So I guess you can say that I deserve all the pain I'm going through right now. Everything, and I mean everything is my fault. Things have changed and will continue to change with everything/everyone I left behind. My family, friends, and even the old significant other are in a constant changing. There's nothing I can do but sit back and watch. I'm never there for family celebrations, or hang outs with my good friends. And the thing that hurts most above all to even think about let alone type or talk about is her. Realizing what I've done eats away at me and being held captive in this school of a prison is not easing my situation at all.

California, say you love me. I yearn for the summer.



OUT OF THE FUCKING LOOP.



--Mitchy Itchy